been a while..

so sorry.. this week has been the worst week of my life so far and it's only wednesday .. well technically it's thursday now, but let's not get nit-picky..

• for starters i've worked every night except 2 and those i have other (not fun) obligations
• i got into a fender bender today .. BMWs suck btw
• i have a test thurs. and a final on friday
• which also happens to be the day of my dad's wedding .. (joy bliss and happiness, not)
• i'm supposed to be moving out of my house into an apartment and i have NOTHING packed..

i'm stressed to the max here..

maybe next week will be better.. it's got to be

have your cake .. but ya can't eat it!

ya ever been in a situation where something was happening and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it.. well i never have been

until now

for as long as i can remember i've pretty much gotten what i wanted.. never got a horse or a swimming pool or a trampoline, but other than that i have.. i got the car for graduation and the laptop i wanted.. i get money when i ask for it even though it's never as much as i want (waa waa huh?) i've always been able to have my cake and eat it too.. it's never been a problem..

but now i'm finding myself in a situation that i don't like and don't want and didn't ask for .. and worst of all there's nothing i can do to stop it..

• i can't make my family work right
• i can't make my parents get back together
• i can't tell my dad that i don't want him to marry this woman
• i can't tell my mom how upset i am at all of this b/c then she would be upset too
• i can't run away or cut my dad out of my life b/c he won't let me (now that he's realized that him being gone all the time is why we have no relationship he's trying to be father of the year all at once and it's driving me nuts!!)

so what is my answer .. what can i do.. nothing. that's what.. i have to sit here and realize that my life is not working out the way it was supposed too in my head .. and that opens the door of "well if this isn't working out right then what about my other plans??" my plans of becoming a doctor and marrying an amazing man who thinks i'm the best thing since play-doh.. what about my plans of having enough money to make my family comfortable and secure, of having a nice Jeep to drive and living in a house of my own design across the road from my mom.. what about those dreams and aspirations.. should i just give up on them? should i quit dreaming b/c of this nasty bump in my road??

i don't know ... but i know that i want to have my cake and eat it too.. i want my life to be abundant and fantastic..

i want it all.

there's a slight rant about to happen..

so this year has pretty much sucked big hairy ones for me and my family.. it started with the divorce of my parents last november and then my dad announced his engagement this june, much to my dismay, and then this wednesday we found out that my mom lost one of her jobs.. yes she has multiple jobs.. sometimes that's just what ya have to do..

all in all i have every excuse to just quit life and be a hermit in a cave somewhere which, believe me, sounds like an excellent idea.. but instead of running away or panicking (which also sounds great right about now) i'm just going to trust.. i'm going to trust that my God will see me through this and my family will be ok.. we will get through it because God promises that all things work for the good of those who love the Lord.. that's in the bible Romans 8:28 if ya wanna check it out .. i'm sure i butchered the quoting of it but you get the picture

i can't give up on life because it's not mine to give up anymore.. i gave my life to Christ when i was younger and now it's not mine, it's His.. and since i am His i know that everything will work out and He will take care of us..

but i still find it really hard to trust.. i feel like i should be able to handle everything on my own and not need to hold on to God, but maybe.. just maybe that's why He's allowed all this to happen to me this year.. maybe He's trying to show me that i need him.. that it's not just my life anymore .. it's His too..

this year has been an awful one and things have happened that in my wildest of nightmares i would never have thought possible, but the one thing i know for sure deep down in my soul is that God does love me will all His heart and he will take care of me

do you believe it??

first ever..

ok so this is my first blog.. well i guess the best place to start off would be with me although i don't want to put in too much personal stuff b/c you never know where the crazies are out there and i'd hate to be attacked and raped b/c of something i put on a blog. yeah.. that'd be bad.

so i'm jessie. i'm 20. i don't like to mash the "shift" key so i try to avoid it as much as possible hence the no capitalization.. i think it makes me stand out.. or it just makes me look lazy, either/or.. i'm good.

i like to write.. mostly i like to write stream of consciousness stuff which if you don't know is just writing what ever comes out of your head in no particular order or style. that's me to a T. i'm very much just a "stream of consciousness" kind of girl.. i say what i'm thinking and usually regret it and i get distracted easily when i'm not really focusing.

i do not have ADD or at least i've never been diagnosed, but i have struggled with depression a lot of my life.. that stems from quite a few things that have happened in my life which i'm sure i'll talk about eventually b/c all things from the past come back to haunt you right? i think they do, unless you fight them off which i try to do.. i sincerely hope that the past won't repeat itself with my family in the future.. and maybe, just maybe it'll all be ok..

contrary to what the above paragraph may sound like, i am a happy person.. i'm EXTREMELY fun to be around and if you don't believe it then just ask me.. haha!

i like music and movies and will debate the ending of LOST with anyone for hours b/c that show just fascinates me. i love the Harry Potter books and movies and i love Twilight (don't hate!) but i also enjoy reading other stuff so if someone has read a good book and would like to recommend one i'm totally game!

well i believe this is long enough for one post and i'm sure i'll write more soon!

laters!