welcome
Friday, November 12, 2010
v-club
Monday, August 16, 2010
the last day of the beginning of my life..
Today is the day that my life as it was officially ends. My dad is getting married. To a woman who is not my mother and I could not be more heartbroken. I play like I'm happy for him to his face and to my mother's face I play indifferent. But inside I'm breaking apart piece by piece. Its killing me to see my family die. Its irreparably broken and fatally wounded. I know we were never a happy happy family but we were together and that was how it was supposed to be.
I have a theory. God ordains marriage right? But a judge grants divorce. I don't think in Gods eyes you can be divorced ever really. Only in mans eyes. So in Gods eyes my dad is cheating on my mom. And that's exactly what it feels like to me.
I could totally be wrong about my theory but it helps me to sort of sort things out for myself. I guess.
new new new
well mostly..
actually the only thing that's new is my place of dwelling.. i moved out of my mom's house last week and into an apartment (which i love!!)
my roommates take a bit of getting used to, but i think it's all going to work out quite nicely and it's what i needed at this point in my life.. which is to get away from my family for a while.. and i don't miss them
is that bad? that i don't miss my parents or my brother.. i take that back . i miss them sometimes so i go visit them and within a couple of hours i'm irritated again and want to go back to my own place .. that's nice! :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
been a while..
- for starters i've worked every night except 2 and those i have other (not fun) obligations
- i got into a fender bender today .. BMWs suck btw
- i have a test thurs. and a final on friday
- which also happens to be the day of my dad's wedding .. (joy bliss and happiness, not)
- i'm supposed to be moving out of my house into an apartment and i have NOTHING packed..
maybe next week will be better.. it's got to be
Sunday, July 25, 2010
have your cake .. but ya can't eat it!
until now
for as long as i can remember i've pretty much gotten what i wanted.. never got a horse or a swimming pool or a trampoline, but other than that i have.. i got the car for graduation and the laptop i wanted.. i get money when i ask for it even though it's never as much as i want (waa waa huh?) i've always been able to have my cake and eat it too.. it's never been a problem..
but now i'm finding myself in a situation that i don't like and don't want and didn't ask for .. and worst of all there's nothing i can do to stop it..
- i can't make my family work right
- i can't make my parents get back together
- i can't tell my dad that i don't want him to marry this woman
- i can't tell my mom how upset i am at all of this b/c then she would be upset too
- i can't run away or cut my dad out of my life b/c he won't let me (now that he's realized that him being gone all the time is why we have no relationship he's trying to be father of the year all at once and it's driving me nuts!!)
so what is my answer .. what can i do.. nothing. that's what.. i have to sit here and realize that my life is not working out the way it was supposed too in my head .. and that opens the door of "well if this isn't working out right then what about my other plans??" my plans of becoming a doctor and marrying an amazing man who thinks i'm the best thing since play-doh.. what about my plans of having enough money to make my family comfortable and secure, of having a nice Jeep to drive and living in a house of my own design across the road from my mom.. what about those dreams and aspirations.. should i just give up on them? should i quit dreaming b/c of this nasty bump in my road??
i don't know ... but i know that i want to have my cake and eat it too.. i want my life to be abundant and fantastic..
i want it all.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
there's a slight rant about to happen..
all in all i have every excuse to just quit life and be a hermit in a cave somewhere which, believe me, sounds like an excellent idea.. but instead of running away or panicking (which also sounds great right about now) i'm just going to trust.. i'm going to trust that my God will see me through this and my family will be ok.. we will get through it because God promises that all things work for the good of those who love the Lord.. that's in the bible Romans 8:28 if ya wanna check it out .. i'm sure i butchered the quoting of it but you get the picture
i can't give up on life because it's not mine to give up anymore.. i gave my life to Christ when i was younger and now it's not mine, it's His.. and since i am His i know that everything will work out and He will take care of us..
but i still find it really hard to trust.. i feel like i should be able to handle everything on my own and not need to hold on to God, but maybe.. just maybe that's why He's allowed all this to happen to me this year.. maybe He's trying to show me that i need him.. that it's not just my life anymore .. it's His too..
this year has been an awful one and things have happened that in my wildest of nightmares i would never have thought possible, but the one thing i know for sure deep down in my soul is that God does love me will all His heart and he will take care of me
do you believe it??
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
first ever..
so i'm jessie. i'm 20. i don't like to mash the "shift" key so i try to avoid it as much as possible hence the no capitalization.. i think it makes me stand out.. or it just makes me look lazy, either/or.. i'm good.
i like to write.. mostly i like to write stream of consciousness stuff which if you don't know is just writing what ever comes out of your head in no particular order or style. that's me to a T. i'm very much just a "stream of consciousness" kind of girl.. i say what i'm thinking and usually regret it and i get distracted easily when i'm not really focusing.
i do not have ADD or at least i've never been diagnosed, but i have struggled with depression a lot of my life.. that stems from quite a few things that have happened in my life which i'm sure i'll talk about eventually b/c all things from the past come back to haunt you right? i think they do, unless you fight them off which i try to do.. i sincerely hope that the past won't repeat itself with my family in the future.. and maybe, just maybe it'll all be ok..
contrary to what the above paragraph may sound like, i am a happy person.. i'm EXTREMELY fun to be around and if you don't believe it then just ask me.. haha!
i like music and movies and will debate the ending of LOST with anyone for hours b/c that show just fascinates me. i love the Harry Potter books and movies and i love Twilight (don't hate!) but i also enjoy reading other stuff so if someone has read a good book and would like to recommend one i'm totally game!
well i believe this is long enough for one post and i'm sure i'll write more soon!
laters!